How could have things become so far away? How could I lose someone I love to alcohol, maybe drugs (maybe the combination of both) again? I lost my oldest sister in May of this year to her long battle with both of those. How is it I feel that I have lost the person I love, regardless of the things we've been through, in the same way that my older sister left this world? He hasn't left this world.... but he is so distant, hurtful, mean, no longer recognizable anymore. The love just doesn't go away for him how do I wish I could turn it off so that all this pain in my heart would go away. God has a plan he does these things for a reason. I pray daily, hourly, every time I think of him to God to please show him he is loved, show him the love God will always have for him and the ones around him that love and miss him. To help him get out of this place he is in, the demons out of him and back to having Gods light in him.

I wish I could turn off my heart, emotions, feelings and just not care about anything. This would make life so much easier for me, but I can't and because of that I am left here hurting. I am left here hoping and praying and fully relying on God for the strength to get through this, that as the days go by the hurt decreases. So far it hasn't not seemed to decrease just change in times as to when it hits. I just hope that he gets back to being healthy again, back to the person who he is not what these demons have made him to be recently.  I give it all to God to take care of because there is nothing I or anyone else can do to help him except himself and God.  I think that is the saddest part of it all not being able to help him....

Everything is not fine...... but then...

Post number three to be technical of my blog...... soooo..........

Okay I am currently watching True Life "I'm giving my boyfriend an ultimatum" and I can't help but to keep watching. Sadly the first couple they showed had me feeling like I was looking in a mirror on my situation with my ex boyfriend, disregard to the geographical and ethnicity differences I see myself and my ex right there. I can't help but to feel connected to her and know exactly how she is feeling.

What hits home is when her boyfriend tells her "Everything is fine" and she responds back with "Everything is not fine!" Which is true everything was not fine at all, you think it is because you want me to cook, clean, do laundry for you with no help in any "manly" tasks. No love, affection, and appreciation for her and in my situation me.  I wish I was able to tell her just leave he's never going to change he doesn't care about you he just wants you to do everything for him and nothing for you......

Sometimes the things you do for someone may never be enough for them but to someone else it could be mean EVERYTHING to them.  This world is not just about one person, relationships are not about one person it is about two people. No relationship will work when two come to one and appreciate each other.

My mother and father have taught me great things and raised me extremely well and never let any adverse situations change how they both loved, cared, raised us. They are hard workers, ALWAYS worked FULL TIME their ENTIRE life and to this day they still do to provide for their children. NEVER did drugs, and NEVER DRANK at all when growing up. In fact I have only seen my mother have a drink once or twice and never ever seen her drunk nor ever drink with her children. My father would have a beer here and there but NEVER get drunk in front or around us.

They raised their daughters to know right from wrong, truth from lies and to NEVER EVER lie because it will always come back against you. That lying is a sin and not at all the ways of Christ.

Raised us to fight for what you want, our goals and dreams. Knowing we  have to work and make honest money to get the things you want and never expect any man to take care of us because that is not how the world works at all. Never sacrifice self worth, dignity, respect, safety, and security for any man.

Own up to the mistakes, mess ups, issues, problems and never blame anyone else, because no one except yourself allowed them to happen.  Raised their children in ways and life of Christ and how Christ would treat people regardless what has been done to them. NEVER ever to do evil and wrong on others no matter what they have done to you. Let people judge and hate you for what they see and not what is true. You do not have to explain who you are for if they truly care and love you they will already know.  Just like me, they have a story to tell just as well, but it is not everyone business about the trails, tribulations, situations, events we have been through.

With how I was raised and watching that show last night I realized I am not the only one who was sucked in with lies and then treated horribly, and still held on, tried and tried over and over again. So when it does end I am able to say I TRIED my hardest and gave it my all and will never lose sleep over what ifs of not doing things.

"Half-truths" there is no such thing it is either a lie or it is not

It is said half-truths are considered lies, well for me I state the facts of the situations and keep my personal feelings and emotions out of it; therefore there is no half-truths in my life. The ones closest to me know my feelings, how I am feeling, what was going through my mind and the smile I put on my face to hide it all from everyone esle. These have been the people here for me through the roughest, darkest, life and death in fact, parts of my life.

Every time I meet someone and decided to get involved with them or not I tell them a few things about myself so that there are no curtain drawn and being caught off guard about. One, I am a Christian woman I keep God and Jesus first in my life, my family is extremely important to me and I will not be taken away from them, I work 50 hours a week at least and go to school/college 3/4 time i.e. 3 classes and full time is 4 classes, I go to the gym every morning before work and after work when it is a day with no school in the evening, I go to church every Sunday and make ever attempt to go on Wednesdays. I am an extremely busy person and typically home long enough to go to sleep and wake up the next day during the week and do homework and school on weekends. I do not cook during the week because I refuse to be up at 10pm cooking dinner when I could be doing homework or cleaning up my apartment(for now it’s an apartment). I have no time for problems he said she said, worrying about what others think of me, their judgments of who I am, nor do I feel the need to go in detail of my hardships I have been through thus far in my life. My family and closest and dearest friends know because they have been there with me through them. I then very blandly cover what "normal" people consider cheating, which is talking, doing things, physically and emotionally with any other person that you would do with me is CHEATING! There are such things as emotional cheating/affairs which tend to hurt more than the actual physical cheating/affairs. So yes I will put up with a lot of a person crap to me, but I WILL NEVER EVER EVER PUT UP WITH CHEATING PERIOD! I don't care who you are, how long we have been together, if I ever get married to that person or even have kids with them I WILL LEAVE and NEVER EVER look back.

So why oh why have all my ex's been so surprised when I leave them? The best part is YOU CAN TELL WHEN SOMEONE IS CHEATING ON YOU! They pull themselves away, start fights to find stupid lame excuses to "go out" instead of facing the problems at hand, they cause problems in little things when they never once were a problem to begin with. They then start the aversion of the other person and important details to things like oh "working late" but yet running out of money before payday.... But you sure as heck are not spending it on ANYTHING dealing with us heaven forbid even on me which I have never ever asked any man to ever do in my life, guess that is my down fall need to be the "gold digging" type to make them buy me things and give me money, forget that I work and handle my business and my bills. then want to act surprised when you confront them about it and say nothing at all but scoffed laughs and call the person the one word that no man should ever ever say to any woman "bitch."

My mother raised a lady and a woman of God, and that I am and always will be. If you cannot handle the bluntness of my words or understand my vocabulary, there are dictionaries you can look up what a word means after all, then you could never ever in any way, shape, fashion, form handle me. I am a woman of God, I uphold the 10 commandments to the best of my ability. I am not perfect nor would those words ever come close to come out of my mouth, but I can say that I think about everything I do before I do it and the impact it would have on others. I have been knocked down countless times by the devil, his evil doers, his servants, and the wolves dressed up as sheep, BUT NEVER EVER have I allowed them to do more than cause me to stumble and trip. I pick myself back up with the help of God and his son Jesus Christ to push me through to the light that is always there and never lost sight of the light of Jesus Christ. Doors close, but I refuse to stand there and stare at the closed door in my face I turn around and proceed to search for the open one God has for me.

When I am dating/in a relationship with someone I am dating/seeing/sleeping/committed to that one person. I am not sleeping/dating your family and therefore will not allow any belittling done to me by them. I have my own mother, father, and sisters who know who I am how much I try and put into everything and every characteristic about me so if anyone should even think about mattering what they say it is them. I do not speak ill of anyone regardless what has been done to me by them. I pray daily for my enemies, family, friends near and far. I ask God to watch over them protect them, heal their hurts pains, guide them to success in everything in their lives and for them to fully know the love of God and our savior Jesus Christ.

I am nowhere near perfect, I have my faults and readily admit to them, there are battles going in internally, outwardly, spiritually, and emotionally that I deal with on a daily basis. They are my battles and no one else’s. I am my biggest critic, I hold myself back, I allow myself to stumble into situations that I knew I should have removed myself from. I follow my heart and the what I feel is the will of God pulling me to. At times I have not known myself worth until it has been too late and the tears flowing because I allowed myself to end up in the exact same situation again just with different faces, names, and walks of life. Every time God has been here to pick me back up brought me out of thinking of the flesh and back into the spiritual world. For it is when we put things of the flesh before the things of the sprit when we fall the hardest. I will be keeping up a blog shortly of my journey with God and our Savior Jesus Christ. It will be open for all to see.

So today I close with John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

So it begins!

My mother asked me a question the other day, "have you ever thought about blogging?" I responded with "No I'm sure no one would care about what I had to say." Well a few days passed and today I thought about it and decided why the heck not have my own blog? Its mine after all and I am able to express my views, feelings, wants, desires, and just about me.  If people don't want to read or follow me well they don't have to, I'm not asking for that but if anyone wants to follow they are more than welcome to.

This blog is going to my journey through life and with God in everything I do. Soooo keep your eyes open to the future and free to follow along.  Until tomorrow or next blog which will be very soon.

Stephanie

¹³ I can do all things through Christwho strengthens me.Philippians 4:13