How could have things become so far away? How could I lose someone I love to alcohol, maybe drugs (maybe the combination of both) again? I lost my oldest sister in May of this year to her long battle with both of those. How is it I feel that I have lost the person I love, regardless of the things we've been through, in the same way that my older sister left this world? He hasn't left this world.... but he is so distant, hurtful, mean, no longer recognizable anymore. The love just doesn't go away for him how do I wish I could turn it off so that all this pain in my heart would go away. God has a plan he does these things for a reason. I pray daily, hourly, every time I think of him to God to please show him he is loved, show him the love God will always have for him and the ones around him that love and miss him. To help him get out of this place he is in, the demons out of him and back to having Gods light in him.

I wish I could turn off my heart, emotions, feelings and just not care about anything. This would make life so much easier for me, but I can't and because of that I am left here hurting. I am left here hoping and praying and fully relying on God for the strength to get through this, that as the days go by the hurt decreases. So far it hasn't not seemed to decrease just change in times as to when it hits. I just hope that he gets back to being healthy again, back to the person who he is not what these demons have made him to be recently.  I give it all to God to take care of because there is nothing I or anyone else can do to help him except himself and God.  I think that is the saddest part of it all not being able to help him....